


Poems of the Sea and the Stars

by louseverine



Category: Glee
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-05-04
Updated: 2013-05-11
Packaged: 2017-12-10 09:03:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/784268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/louseverine/pseuds/louseverine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"The world belongs to those who love. Because only they can see beauty and only through seeing can the world be yours. So I must love, as painful as it is, to claim my piece of existence." <br/>And so Rachel owned the world, because she loved the most mysteriously beautiful and unattainable girl of them all. Quinn Fabray.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The World Belongs to Lovers

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first ever fanfiction and I'm very excited about posting it here. I thank you all very much for reading it and I'd love to hear from you in a review.  
> Also, I'm looking for a beta, so let me know if you're interested at all.  
> This is hopefully going to become a long fic and I'll try to update as soon as possible.  
> Enjoy :D
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or Glee, I do not follow Glee's storyline, everything but the characters comes from my own little head, unless otherwise stated.

poems of the sea and the stars

Rachel sat next to Finn and was telling him about this amazing vegan restaurant she'd been to in New York, which would totally be enough reason for her to move there, yes, it really was that good, especially the pasta, but it was already clear anyway that New York was her future home, considering her career.  
Finn was busy trying to place a sneaky kiss on her lips - she always moved when he was really close - so it took him a while to notice Rachel's sudden silence.  
She was staring at a point behind him, mouth agape.

"What are you looking at, Rach?"

"Quinn", she responded in a soft tone, before turning around with a short look of horror followed by blushing.

Finn was confused. "So?", he asked.

"It's just she's all sweaty and her hair looks messy, which, you know, with Quinn Fabray, well.."

"Yeah, she's always like, styled perfectly, it's weird if she's like that." He gestured vaguely in Quinn's direction and grinned widely. it hardly happened that he had to finish Rachel's sentences because she lost her words, normally it was the other way around, and he enjoyed how smart it made him feel.

Rachel seemed to have composed herself again, she beamed at him. "That's exactly what I meant to say, thank you Finn, it's just that you never see her looking less than perfect, so it took me by surprise, seeing her in this state, although of course it's understandable, seeing as she did just come from the field, so I'm assuming she had Cheerios practice, however she still is very beautiful, I didn't mean to deny that at all, but I couldn't really see her that well from the distance anyways, so I don't think I'm qualified to judge her looks, which I probably also wouldn't be if I would have seen her better and..."

"You don't have to defend her Rach, It's okay, I'm not offended if you talk about my ex that way, I mean, I'm with you now, she's, like, long forgotten."

"Right!", Rachel laughed feebly and looked at Finn, rubbing her forehead as if she had a headache. "I really need to leave now, bye Finn!" And with that she pressed a light kiss on his cheek and disappeared quickly around the corner.

He scratched his head and tried to collect his thoughts. Was she really still jealous of Quinn? She did always react very strangely when he mentioned the cheerleader and she sent him angry looks whenever he showed her any affection. But then again, she always seemed to defend the girl. He hadn't heard one bad word about Quinn leave her mouth in a long time, which surprised him, considering what Rachel had to endure because of McKinley's Ice Queen and her subjects.  
He finally decided to push the thoughts aside and blame the unlimited gentleness and slight naivity of his girlfriend. And maybe she was on her period or something, he heard women acted strangely then. He made a mental note to ask his mother about it.

 

Rachel was rushing off to her car, clutching her bag tightly to her chest. She struggled to keep back the tears. She had to do something, so she wouldn't start thinking. Because if she did, the sadness she's always running from would catch her and with the sadness would come the guilt and Rachel would break down once again. No, she mustn't think, can't think think about Quinn Fabray right now. She had to get home and do her routine first at least, then she could maybe afford to indulge in her thoughts.  
So she mustn't think about Quinn's cold eyes with so much sadness hidden behind them, mustn't think about her blonde hair, which is beautiful when in a perfect ponytail, or her clear skin, her smell that mingles perfectly with the perfume she uses.  
But especially she mustn't think about the Quinn she just saw, the Quinn with tousled hair, sweaty skin and a silly smile on her lips, which she sometimes gets when she thinks no one can see. Because Finn was right, she didn't look perfect, but the thought that this was what she'd look like if she'd completely let herself go, if she trusted someone enough to open herself, to give everything. The thought that that's what she might look like after..  
And there Rachel's mind went again, wandering off to a farytaleland, where Quinn was hers and she was Quinn's, where she could touch her and love her and most importantely get to know everything about her.

 

She climbed into her car and wiped at her eyes. There they were, the tears. She almost liked them by now, the way you like your mean neighbour after a holiday, because it's something familiar, something that means home. These tears connected her to Quinn stronger than anything else and anything that linked her to Quinn, she'll take. She'll take the pain and she'll gladly take any attention, as abusive as it is, as long as Quinn is there.  
Rachel had tried not to think about Quinn once, in her summer holidays, she had banned everything that could remind her of her hopeless love. She felt it was something she had to do, Quinn wasn't healthy for her, she knew she was losing sleep thinking about her, she cried every day. It was a desolate state she was in, but forgetting about Quinn, burning the picture she had in her diary, made her feel empty.  
It was as if in order to stop feeling for Quinn, she had to stop feeling anything at all. She became listless and quiet, she didn't even feel like singing anymore. Most of her songs had been for or about Quinn in a way, so how could she sing with her heart, when there were so many locks that prevented her from seeing her pain and also weighed her down. So she stopped singing.  
Her fathers of course noticed and talked to her very seriously, telling her to stop whatever she was doing, because she was clearly breaking herself.  
It was what Rachel waited for, a signal to let everything back in. There were cracks immediately in all the chains around her treasured memories of Quinn. She ran to her room, went on Quinn's facebook and looking at a picture of her she remembered.  
She thought about her smile, her eyes, the way she crooked one eyebrow, how graceful her walk was, how vulnerable she sometimes seemed, her smell and the perfect moment when she hugged her once. She dug through the happy memories she had of Quinn, even the unhappy ones, every moment where she felt a connection between them, everytime Quinn looked her in the eyes when she was singing. She cried and sobbed, her face was red and swollen and she felt like her heart was going to burst with pain and life and love.  
And she welcomed the stings and stabs in her chest when she washed off the paint that covered the traces of Quinn's name in her mind. She was alive again, finally, Rachel Berry was there, she loved Quinn Fabray and the pain would not stop unless Rachel ceased to exist. She wanted to exist, wanted to love Quinn, it didn't even matter that there was no hope for any feelings returned.  
The pain meant that Rachel still was. The pain also meant that Quinn still was and Quinn being, that was everything.

The memories of that time still hurt, but Rachel was now calmer again, being reminded of why this pain was there, why it had to be there. Suddenly a quote popped into her head, a quote, she had discovered shortly after giving herself over again to her feelings. It had given her strength then and it did again right now.

The world belongs to those who love. Because only they can see beauty and only through seeing can the world be yours. So I must love, as painful as it is, to claim my piece of existance.

Frantically she began searching her mind so she could find out who wrote it. It must have been an old and beautiful soul and Rachel felt strangely connected to the creator of these words.  
She decided to look through her dads' poetry books as soon as she got home, it would give her something to do and maybe she could find the poet she was looking for and read some more of his works. She could explore her feelings vicariously through him, keeping her mind off Quinn and therefore not risking anymore hurt and hysteria this night.

 

Hiram Berry opened the door to his daughter's room and had to bite back a laugh at seeing her sitting at her desk, brows furrowed and a huge pile of old books in front of her.

"Schoolwork this late, honey?", he asked.

"No, I'm trying to find a quote!" Rachel huffed. "It just popped into my head, but I cannot at all remember where I had it from. It is of utmost importance to me to find it, as I seem to have a strong connection to this poet and he could certainly help me deal with some of the more difficult and complicated emotions I'm going through right now."

"What is the quote? Maybe I can give you a hint as to where you could find it. I know most of these books by heart."

"Thanks daddy!", Rachel beamed and then cited:

The world belongs to those who love. Because only they can see beauty and only through seeing can the world be yours. So I must love, as painful as it is, to claim my piece of existence.

"I'm sorry, hun, I don't think I've ever heard it. It's beautiful though."

He sat on Rachel's bed and gestured to her to join him. Softly he put his arm around her shoulder as if to protect her from the world.

"Now, tell me, are you lovesick, Rachel? Because as true and beautiful this writing might be, there's a lot of pain behind it. Are you connecting to that, too?"

"No, daddy, I'm not lovesick. I don't like this word, lovesick, and I don't think one shall ever use it. Love is never sick, even if unrequited."

Hiram opened his mouth to agree and inquire further, but Rachel interrupted him.

"But yes, daddy, I am in love, very much so. The greatest, purest and most painful love. Now I know that sounds dramatic, but it's quite the opposite really. It's effortless."

"Are you talking about Finn?", Hiram groaned internally, Finn was a nice boy and if Rachel was happy, he was, too, however for his daughter to be so in love with the football player made him think that the blindness and hormones that come with being a teenager didn't leave her as unaffectedly as he had thought (and wished, if he was honest). He just didn't understand how a guy like that, even if he was a nice kid, could trigger such beautiful and complex emotions.

"Doesn't he love you back?"

"No, not Finn."

She curled up in her daddy's lap and he could hear the tears that layered her voice when she spoke next.

"And no, she does not."

"Oh, my little gold star", Hiram smiled sadly. He softly stroke Rachel's head.

"Whoever she is, sweetheart, and I'm sure she's a most beautiful creature, if she manages to captivate you like this, she is so lucky to have you loving her. And even if she doesn't know it and even if she doesn't care, you are giving her the most beautiful thing we can give. And giving love is never a bad thing, because feeling what you do, makes you who you are and you are perfect, baby girl."

Rachel was softly and steadily crying now, but she also felt a quiet and comforting happiness, knowing, that she had two parents, who truly understood and supported her.

"Thank you daddy, I love you very much, you know."

She was mumbling now, feeling more at peace than before she talked to Hiram and she managed a little smile when he bent down to kiss her goodnight.

"Sleep well, honey. I love you. And don't hide from your love, but try to leave some space for other things too, okay? You know you love her and I know it too now, you don't have to prove it to yourself."

With that, Rachel closed her eyes and started falling asleep, and it was the first evening in a long time where she did not torture herself with thoughts of Quinn. But she also didn't push her away completely, she was there, in the back of her mind quiet and intimate, bringing beautiful dreams full of butterflies and broadway theatres.


	2. Pretending

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So, here you go, second chapter :) Excited about posting this, again! I hope you like it. Please leave a review, these are always very much appreciated. Also, I'm still looking for a beta, if you're interested message me :) I'm always happy about a message as well, don't be shy, I'm a friendly person ;)  
> I'm aware that there's not a lot of Quinn in this story so far, but I promise that's going to get better, because I love my Quinnie way too much to not bring her into the story more often very soon :)  
> So, enjoy!
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Glee or any of the characters, I do also not own the books mentioned. The story and everything the "poet" writes, is mine though :)

Rachel opened her eyes immediately at hearing her alarm go off. She was convinced that there was no better song to wake up to than "Don't rain on my parade". Apart from being a musical masterpiece sung by the most talented woman to ever grace the earth, it gave her the right attitude to start the day. The only attitude that would help her survive it, if she was honest.  
She got out of bed quickly, grabbed her workout clothes, which she had prepared the night before, of course, as she wouldn't waste any part of her precious morning. She always had a lot of energy when she got right out of bed. Most of the time it was an anxious state, feeling like she had to get things done, improve everything about herself, her body, her voice, her performance at school. Also, the routine gave her something to hold on to, something she had to do, but did for herself, something stable she could control.  
Today though she actually felt like doing all these things, she was even kind of looking forward to going to school, because something just told her that she'd see Quinn's smile.  
So she started on her elliptical, for once not being driven by the feeling of being inadequate, but actually because she felt good about herself.  
She even got out a small bottle of shower gel she had saved from the last holiday with her dads. She always saved a bit of the shower gel she used when traveling, because when she showered with it back home, the smell would immediately bring her back to that place, memories would come up and make for a happy and relaxed feeling.  
This one smelled like tropical fruit and pictures of sun and a beach appeared in front of her inner eye. She inhaled deeply and smiled at the thought of Leroy teasing Hiram over not catching the ball when playing "piggy in the middle". She could taste the sweetness of the pineapple she ate while watching the sunset on a pier.  
That thought made her mouth actually water now, so she got out of the shower, dressed herself and skipped down the stairs to get something to eat.

Leroy was already standing in the kitchen, chopping up some fruit for their breakfast. He handed her a bowl, giving her a little wink. She smiled when noticing the lack of melon, which she hated, and the extra strawberries, which she loved, in her bowl, whereas her daddy got more apples and her dad, of course, balanced as he was, an equal mix of everything.  
She poured some soy yogurt over the fruit and took a seat at the counter, opposite her dad.

"Did you hear the newest gossip?", Leroy asked her.

Rachel giggled a bit, it was a strange start to a conversation before you even said good morning to each other, but she'd take it, because she was in a great mood and her dad always made her laugh.

So she gasped dramatically and asked excitedly: "What is it? I demand to be informed right now!"

"Well", he gestured for her to come closer and stage whispered, "They say the one and only Rachel Berry is in love!"

Rachel laughed loudly for a moment, before composing herself and turning serious again.

"I see daddy told you."

"He did and I'm happy for you, Rachie."

"There's not much to be happy about, dad, but I appreciate what you're saying. I would appreciate it even more though, if you could stop calling me Rachie, it's a very silly name anyways, and, I'm sorry dad, but out of your mouth it's just downright comical."

"Alright, Rachel, I guess I'll just have to accept that you're growing up, although you still are tiny."

That last part got him a playful slap to his forearm and a glare, which he did admittedly deserve.

"But back to the serious business. I'm happy for you, because you're in love, Rachel, a first love is always glorious. And I'm happy for you and for me too, if I'm honest, that it's not that Finn kid. He doesn't seem to be the brightest young gentleman around."

Rachel huffed.

"He is lovely, and he is also my boyfriend, if I may remind you!"

"Yes, about that", Leroy replied, now serious again, "You realize it's not fair to stay in that relationship? On neither of you two. I'm not trying to tell you how to live your life, it's the last thing I want to do, I hope you understand that, but I just think it's cruel. And you are doing what we try not to do in this family, giving in to the pressure of what's expected from you. You're taking the easy way out, Rachel, and that's not you, not you at all."

Rachel sighed and dropped her head. This comment had dimmed her happiness immediately and she would have been angry with Leroy for ruining her morning, if she didn't know that he was completely right. Finn was the easy solution, Finn liked her, maybe loved her even, and she couldn't say that about a lot of people at McKinley. He was there for her, a shoulder to cry on, someone to spend friday nights with. Since she started dating him, there were less slushies and more smiles for her in the hallway. If she'd leave Finn, that'd stop. Not to mention it could be fatal for the Glee club, he was her leading man, they needed good chemistry.  
Those weren't all the reasons though, because as self centered as Rachel Berry sometimes was, she didn't like to hurt people. And she knew she'd hurt Finn a lot, he wouldn't understand why she was leaving him. It was like finding a little stray puppy when on holidays. You know right from the start that you couldn't take it home, because the paperwork is way too complicated and you don't have time for it, but when it's sitting there in the rain, looking at you with big eyes, wagging it's miserable little tale, you take it in anyways. And you know it's unfair to give all that to it, because it's going to be taken away again very soon, but being the selfish human being that you are, you can't bear the pain it causes you to leave the puppy in the rain.  
Yes, Finn was like that puppy and Rachel did love him, in a way. Not in the way one should love their boyfriend, never in the way she loved Quinn, but something was there.  
He didn't make her happy, but at least he made her happier.  
Maybe Rachel wanted the easy way out, for once in her life, maybe she wasn't strong enough to always fight. Why couldn't she too just give in to the pressure, when her head was aching from keeeping it out?

Still, "I'll try.", she whispered.

Then she was up and grabed her bag, because school didn't wait for foolish teenagers who had to think about their puppy-boyfriends.

 

When she arrived in the parking lot, Finn was already there, grinning. She got out and allowed him to kiss her a bit longer than the five seconds she normally counted. It was meant as a gesture to ease her guilt a little bit. It didn't, because regardless of length and manner of the kiss, she was thinking of Quinn, as always.

"I'm sorry.", she said, when she pulled back and she meant it, although not in the way Finn understood it.

"It's alright Rach, we have to go to class anyways."

He grinned again. How this boy could be so carefree, Rachel would never know. Blissful ignorance, she guessed.

Her classes this morning flew by, she was focused and organised as always and tried to stay in the classrooms as long as possible, so she wouldn't have to be in the hallway, where she was in danger of suffering an attack, either through slushies or snarky remarks.

In the lunchbreak she hurried towards the choir room, because there was a solo she wanted to work on. It was also a way to avoid Finn and the thoughts of his disappointed face if she were to tell him what she really felt.  
Sometimes she got paranoid, feeling like everyone could suddenly see what was going in her head, her thoughts written all over her face in her neat handwriting. it was the scariest thing she could imagine and sometimes she had to check her reflection in a glass window when passing, just to be sure. Then she laughed at herself, for being so silly, but the feeling would appear again after a while.

As she opened the door to the choir room, she noticed hushed voices. On stage, seated in the middle, were Santana and Quinn. Rachel immediately stopped everything she was doing, even breathing for an instance.

"Quinn, please look at me!"

She saw Santana tracing her fingers over Quinn's cheek softly. Rachel could almost feel the soft skin herself, she would have given everything to trade places with Santana right now.

"I could kill that fucking asshole!", the Latina said, the anger in her voice very clear, even from where Rachel was standing. Quinn lifted her head a bit and only now the shimmering tears on her face became evident. She was quietly sobbing and it hurt Rachel more than she'd have ever expected. The need to run up to the stage was maddening. She wanted to hold Quinn and make everything better, wipe away the tears, even though Quinn looked the most beautiful right in this moment. There was something fascinating about the vulnerabilty she had, her eyes shone brighter than ever and the dim lights made the tears turn to diamonds on her face.  
It was the most pure and real Rachel had ever seen Quinn and it made her fall in love with her even more deeply. Her whole body was aching and tingling from how much she felt.  
But at the same time the scene had something of a theatre performance. The two girls on stage seemed in a completely different world, for Rachel to look at, to feel with them, but completely untouchable. She was just a nameless face in the audience, wanting to change the plot of this play, although she knew it had already been written and she wasn't part of it.  
Quietly she wanted to turn around, overwhelmed by the sense of being completely useless, because she was the last person who could help Quinn, the last person Quinn would ever want help from.

But Santana had already spotted her.

"Berry!", she bellowed, "What the fuck are you doing here, midget? Stalking Quinn again?"

Rachel, who had already been on the verge of tears before could hardly keep herself from crying now.

"I just wanted to use the choir room, for-for practicing, I'm sorry, I didn't see much, I'll leave if you want me to, actually, i was just about to leave anyways and.."  
She was cut off by Quinn, who was suddenly standing in front of her, face still tearstained and hate in her eyes. Hate and panic.

"How dare you, manhands, how dare you!", she shouted at her, grabbing her arms and pushing her forcefully against the wall.

"Goddammit!"

Quinn's voice shrieked a bit, she seemed to have completely lost it and in a fit of rage she roughly punched the wall right beside Rachel's head.  
Rachel's eyes widened, she was scared to death, Quinn seemed so out of it, she could have been capable of anything in this moment. But then again, she was also nearer to Rachel than she had ever been and the proximity of her face was fascinating. She could see everything, the lonely little freckle on her nose, a tiny scar on her chin, her sweet lips, still trembling, just inches away. And her eyes, big and clear, her irises even greener now that her eyes were reddened from crying. And Rachel could read hurt in them. Real and deep. This wasn't mindless bullying, this was a girl, who didn't know what to do, who couldn't help herself and thus freaked out, just so she'd be doing something.  
Realizing this, Rachel wasn't scared anymore, she just felt so, so sorry for Quinn. She wanted to soothe her pain, protect her from the world. But she couldn't.

"I'm so sorry Quinn.", she said in a calm voice, not holding back on the affection in her tone. It was the least she could do.

She ducked under Quinns arm, that still pinned her to the wall and started walking away. Quinn didn't move an inch, but Rachel thought she could see new tears streaming down her perfect face.

Santana shouted: "You better keep your big mouth shut about that, Streisand!", but she didn't make a move to follow her either.

Walking out Rachel thought she heard Quinn mumble: "Why her, of all people, why did Rachel have to walk in?" and Santana softly shushing her.

She felt strangely dilated and very sad at the same time. Maybe Quinn didn't hate her. It seemed as if she was really just a sad girl, trying to stop herself from going crazy.  
How much pain she must carry, if it can make her that cruel.  
Her Quinn, her beautiful sad Quinn, who made her life a living hell, just because she didn't know any better. How much she loved her!  
The rest of the day Rachel spent distracted by her thoughts, Quinn skipped literature, the only class they usually had together, so Rachel didn't even pay attention there.

  


In the evening, her daddy hugged her as soon as he walked through the door and handed her a bag.

"Since you seem to be into literature lately, I picked you up a book from the library."

She smiled at him, thankfully.

"It's Camus, "The Fall", he's a brilliant man, great philosopher. Might distract you a bit."

Rachel thanked him and took the book straight to her room, she did feel like reading today. She reverendly opened the it and immediately noticed that there was something scribbled on the inside of the cover. She wrinkled her nose, because it was a library book, so it was not okay to just scribble your personal notes in it. But then curiosity got the better of her and she started reading. Two lines in, she almost cried, for the second time this day, because she realized that this was her poet. And she finally remembered how she had found the quote from yesterday, in the back of a play she borrowed from the library, "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof", scribbled in the same messy writing, that seemed as if someone was desperate to get his thoughts onto paper. It started right where the last chapter ended, and she loved how well it concluded the book, even though it seemed completely out of context.  
And here her poet had done it again, used the blank space in this book to make his own thoughts be heard.

The human race has in its mindless stupor created an environment that is toxic for any thought, thereby raising a society, that's unable to think. They are softly killing me from the inside, because by some genetic accident, and abnormality, I can think. And I'm unable to stop.  
Even if I could, would it be worth losing my freedom and the understanding of the world? Wouldn't it just be a weak surrender to cruelty of the desert I live in? It is tearing me apart, because my strategy to survive became to pretend, though in me it's screaming "no". But I can't start a revolution, they wouldn't understand. They don't see what's wrong and I'm not the one to share it. It's too big for my little body. So many people who saw what I see chose to leave this life behind, because they too were quiet rebels, tired of hiding from the scorching sun that burns all that truly lives.  
The only thing that keeps me in this desert is a flower I see. Standing tall and beautiful, seemingly unaffected by the lack of nurturing water. The crowd roars and tramples on it, but every morning it's there again, glowing that little bit more. And somehow, I think, I hope that I'm like her, on the inside, but unlike me, her outsides correspond. She is the one to start the revolution, she alone has the strength to. And it makes me angry, angry that my disguise stops me from joining her, so I trample along with the others. My actions slowly stab my thoughts to death and my heart hates me.

It was so true, again. Rachel felt her tears spilling over now, because she got it. She knew the desert the poet was describing, she knew the pretending and the helplessness it brought. She was trampled upon, when she tried to stand up, but somehow this page, scribbled on by an anonymous stranger, gave her hope and the strength she was lacking. She understood what her father said to her this morning, about breaking up with Finn, but only now did she feel like it was actually something she was capable of doing.  
She had to break up with Finn. And she had to hug Quinn, because they both needed it. It was a scary thought, but she felt brave right now.

"Thank you poet!", she whispered.


End file.
